Content to be the co-pilot....

     Today at work, there was, yet again, joking about how the woman is "the boss" and if a man is smart he'll agree with anything she said; after all... "happy wife, happy life." Many of you reading this will be familiar with such joking. Oh if I had more time to say something - but I had work to do. I dislike debate at the best of times anyhow. This did get me to thinking though, which wasn't exactly copacetic for working. As deep a thinker as I tend to be, it was absolute torture that my mind was going on overdrive while trying to focus on my work. The fact that I desperately wanted to side with the one man who was brave enough to disagree added to my torture. I tried. I really did. I was quickly and silently rebuffed as a traitor to my sex. Oh well. Since then I have been playing and replaying my thoughts on this idea, visualising what I would say and how I would say it if given the chance... I know that if that chance were to come I would botch it horribly. However, I feel I must get it out... or my head might just explode. Here then, are my inner reflections. Please feel free to add your two cents.
     I was raised to be a submissive wife. Not so much in the DD sense but in the biblical sense. There were many occasions where, as a teenager, I would sit in Daddy's forge / shop, while he worked, and we would talk about life; more specifically we would talk about scripture and how it related to the present. Among other things, he was very careful to teach me what it meant to be a Christian wife and also what it meant to be a Christian husband. My understanding of these roles makes it very easy for me to except mine because I seem to have gotten the better deal, all things considered.
     In taking stock, I understand that I am accountable to God for myself, I must submit to my husband as unto the Lord and I must respect my husband. Oh yes, and I must be modest, genteel, of a quiet spirit etc. On the other hand, I find the role of a man to be very overwhelming. If my interpretation is correct, the man is accountable to God not only for himself but for his wife and children. He is responsible for her spiritual well being, protection and over all provision. He must love her as Christ loves the church, sacrificing his life for hers. He must nourish her with the washing of the Word, in order to present her unto himself as a perfect bride without spot or wrinkle. The final decision is always his as is the responsibility for said decision when it backfires. As such if he agrees to my suggestion and things go haywire, while the problem effects me, it's his problem to fix. While it may no longer be true in a worldly sense, bucolically he can, upon first hearing of a vow I made, nullify my vow made to another. If I am under spiritual attack, he can as a Christian, but especially as my husband, take authority over that and stop the attack. He is responsible for the teaching upbringing and discipline of our children. In all these things, he is expected to utilise wisdom, kindness and grace. Eve was at fault for eating the forbidden fruit. Adam was at fault not only for eating the forbidden fruit but for putting the desires of his wife ahead of the will of God. As he was present when Eve ate the fruit, was he also at fault for not stopping her?
     The role my husband has seems very overwhelming to me. When the suggestion arises that I should take the lead I kind of do the whole "deer in the headlights" thing. I do not possess the desire or the ability to take on his role in it's entirety. My husband, however, is perfectly comfortable with the apparent magnitude of his role. Easy peezy. That said, I am content as the co-pilot; I can fly this jumbo jet if I have to but have no desire to do so long term. This is his jumbo jet; he can fly it. To put it another way... all complaints aside, my husband rules our little family with wisdom and grace; even though I outweigh him by about sixty pounds, I am quite happy to be his little woman.

Putting my husband in the place of God...

Today in church the minister spoke about God being the true vine and how he prunes the bad away from us. He also spoke about a fungal disease that vineyard owners often run into. This fungus is a kind of mold that covers the grape and, within two to three days, it sucks all the juice out of the grape. The point of the message was that we should remain in the word to avoid spiritual mildew.
This got me to thinking about God's position in my life. I was concerned about this new dynamic of DD within my marriage in that it seems all to easy for me to put my husband in God's place. That is a dangerous game. I asked my husband about it and he had no profound answers or sage advice. He did agree it was a valid concern.
My main thought was this: Is the position of a husband in his wife's life, similar to that of a minister to a congregation in the sense where the minister acts as one of many conduits through which God speaks to his children? In that same sense, does the husband act as one of many conduits for God to reach the wife? (Assuming of course, that the husband is a Christian.)
The more I thought about it, it occurred to me that maybe the issue wasn't in putting my husband in the place of God, but in bringing God down to the place of my husband. I still don't know - I'll have to ponder that one a bit.

Tim's response

I asked Tim to read my post and add his own comments and here they are:

"I would just like to say that I although I am a little nervous about entering the world of domestic discipline, I am also excited about the fact that this could bring us much closer together, as well as help control my wife's annoying habits. Just like any loving husband, I have the constant desire to please my wife, bring us closer together, and show her how much she is loved.  I know very well how much she desires leadership and discipline in her life. As long as I have been married to her I have always been frustrated with her excessive spending habits and lack of responsibility, particularly when it comes to organization of both time and physical objects around our home. Because I am new to this, any advice on starting out is always welcome. Tim"

How we got started

    I don't know why I have always been interested in spanking. I do know that it has always bothered me. I felt awkward about it - like I was some kind of freak. Along with the normal things of life, there consisted in my mind a war wherein I would be overwhelmingly curious and fascinated by spanking, and yet praying for God to take this "interest" away from me. Ever the inquisitive type, I have spent much time researching and deliberating on the topic. Doll games and daydreams turned into Internet searches and secrecy.... secrecy being the utmost important because after all - I'm a freak right?
     The problem with doing research on the Internet is that you tend to get a lot of weeds with the flowers. Or perhaps just the wrong flower all together, which is the general definition of a "weed." So in my research I soon found a myriad of spanking styles. BDSM. Master/ Slave. Dom/Sub. Parental. You name it. Even though I stumbled upon alot of things I didn't want to see, there was a consistent theme; that of discipline. I was looking for something. I didn't know what exactly, but I'm the type of person that cannot drop a question without coming to a conclusion. Oh the sleep I've lost because of that! Yeesh!
     After much deliberation, internal reflection and some minor experimentation (thanks to my husband), here is my current conclusion: I personally get no sexual gratification from spanking; for me it's quite a show stopper. I do, however, love discipline; I adore and crave the whole concept of it. In my mind, punishment is part of discipline and spanking is one form of punishment. I'm fascinated by the learning process, the change of heart, the bittersweet emotion... the unconditional love that is paramount to real Godly discipline.
     As you may have guessed, I am a Christian. In my opinion: "hopelessly flawed but eternally forgiven." While I don't claim to believe that all Christians should be so interested in discipline as I, I do believe that my relationship with God has helped me tremendously. I still don't know why I'm "laden" with this, but "he who loves discipline loves wisdom." Well, if you can't beat 'em join 'em, right?
     So why domestic discipline? I feel I am undisciplined; I love the notion of discipline, but loving it doesn't mean one isn't lacking in it. My lack of discipline is largely attributed to my upbringing; not that my parents failed... they did the best they could given the circumstances, but I was left to myself alot as a child. Daddy worked long hours and when he wasn't working he was looking after my clinically depressed mother and my sickly brothers. I was the sweet natured, easy going & healthy child. Daddy had to pick his battles. That said, I was never made to pick up after myself, I was not held accountable for my actions consistently and I was talented at sweet talking my way in and out of just about anything. Where does this leave me as an adult? I am irresponsible, lazy, manipulative and uncaring of natural consequences. My home is always a mess, my husband is "well trained," we were in a lot of debt until someone kindly bailed us out, and I have little ability to remain constant in anything. (at least I'm honest)
     Maybe the reason I have always been fascinated by spanking is because I richly deserved one and desperately needed it. My husband Tim has watched me struggle with this as long as he's known me, but it took me this long to figure this out for myself so he couldn't really do much. Now that I've found enough peace to formulate a conclusion into words he can help. I've tried to "fill in the blanks" on my own and I just can't. Meanwhile we're spinning our wheels in this life and I hate myself for it because I know it's largely my doing. Contrary to what this world would have me think, I find my husband to be incredibly responsible, constant and wise. He's usually right too. He's agreed to "fill in the blanks" as best he can. We have embarked on a journey where I can teach him all I know about the concept of discipline so that he can put it into practise.