How we got started

    I don't know why I have always been interested in spanking. I do know that it has always bothered me. I felt awkward about it - like I was some kind of freak. Along with the normal things of life, there consisted in my mind a war wherein I would be overwhelmingly curious and fascinated by spanking, and yet praying for God to take this "interest" away from me. Ever the inquisitive type, I have spent much time researching and deliberating on the topic. Doll games and daydreams turned into Internet searches and secrecy.... secrecy being the utmost important because after all - I'm a freak right?
     The problem with doing research on the Internet is that you tend to get a lot of weeds with the flowers. Or perhaps just the wrong flower all together, which is the general definition of a "weed." So in my research I soon found a myriad of spanking styles. BDSM. Master/ Slave. Dom/Sub. Parental. You name it. Even though I stumbled upon alot of things I didn't want to see, there was a consistent theme; that of discipline. I was looking for something. I didn't know what exactly, but I'm the type of person that cannot drop a question without coming to a conclusion. Oh the sleep I've lost because of that! Yeesh!
     After much deliberation, internal reflection and some minor experimentation (thanks to my husband), here is my current conclusion: I personally get no sexual gratification from spanking; for me it's quite a show stopper. I do, however, love discipline; I adore and crave the whole concept of it. In my mind, punishment is part of discipline and spanking is one form of punishment. I'm fascinated by the learning process, the change of heart, the bittersweet emotion... the unconditional love that is paramount to real Godly discipline.
     As you may have guessed, I am a Christian. In my opinion: "hopelessly flawed but eternally forgiven." While I don't claim to believe that all Christians should be so interested in discipline as I, I do believe that my relationship with God has helped me tremendously. I still don't know why I'm "laden" with this, but "he who loves discipline loves wisdom." Well, if you can't beat 'em join 'em, right?
     So why domestic discipline? I feel I am undisciplined; I love the notion of discipline, but loving it doesn't mean one isn't lacking in it. My lack of discipline is largely attributed to my upbringing; not that my parents failed... they did the best they could given the circumstances, but I was left to myself alot as a child. Daddy worked long hours and when he wasn't working he was looking after my clinically depressed mother and my sickly brothers. I was the sweet natured, easy going & healthy child. Daddy had to pick his battles. That said, I was never made to pick up after myself, I was not held accountable for my actions consistently and I was talented at sweet talking my way in and out of just about anything. Where does this leave me as an adult? I am irresponsible, lazy, manipulative and uncaring of natural consequences. My home is always a mess, my husband is "well trained," we were in a lot of debt until someone kindly bailed us out, and I have little ability to remain constant in anything. (at least I'm honest)
     Maybe the reason I have always been fascinated by spanking is because I richly deserved one and desperately needed it. My husband Tim has watched me struggle with this as long as he's known me, but it took me this long to figure this out for myself so he couldn't really do much. Now that I've found enough peace to formulate a conclusion into words he can help. I've tried to "fill in the blanks" on my own and I just can't. Meanwhile we're spinning our wheels in this life and I hate myself for it because I know it's largely my doing. Contrary to what this world would have me think, I find my husband to be incredibly responsible, constant and wise. He's usually right too. He's agreed to "fill in the blanks" as best he can. We have embarked on a journey where I can teach him all I know about the concept of discipline so that he can put it into practise.